DESPERADO.

just arrived from class... two months pa lang since i entered Law School. it is hard just as i expected. mas mahirap pa nga ata eh. ang daming kailangan basahin. and , you don't just read something... sabi nga, you have to peruse every provision, every single case, every doctrine of Law. most of the time kaya ko naman. but i think i'm more of balancing in a very fine wire... it's as if any moment, i might fall.

my best friend says i should take it easy... i agree. and yet i could not just take it easy. and why won't he say that? it's obvious how i'm taking up the challenge of Law School-- i never stop "till i drop".

and what's frustrating is that parang hindi ko magawa ng tama yung dapat gawin.

i prepare for an oral recitation. i read the coverage ONCE. i read it a SECOND time. then a THIRD. then take notes. memorize. research facts which are not in the book. memorize ulit. prepare possible questions. practice answering them. practically, I LIVE LIKE A ROBOT.

tapos ano? when asked a question, i couldn't even answer everything right. fine. i'd be able to answer majority of them. but mere answering is NOT WHAT I WANT. i want to answer like a real Law Student. the truth is... i'm uber-frustrated with my performance. who needs a mediocre performance? i do not aim to just survive. i want to succeed... i BADLY want to.

sometimes i think napaka-ambisyosa ko. but i was never like this before. ang daming opportunities for real intellectual growth ang pinalagpas ko noon only becos of a stupid fear of being judged... i am trying to get past that fear. pero pabalik-balik s'ya. when i have to recite, i am prepared. pero ang gulo ng utak ko. walang focus. i usually think i'm not worthy of being questioned. that i'm not doing it right. that i speak like a layman... i've never felt this idiot before.

the "top2" just shared her success story to us. i realized how much we have in common pagdating sa techniques. pero kung personality at experiences din lang ang pagbabasehan, we are poles apart. and so i wonder, may karapatan ba ako to dream high just as she did?

i shall do my best. in the future, makikita ko din kung sa'n ako dadalhin ng efforts ko...