YESTERDAY.

i was busy yesterday making sure lil bro's first day in school goes well. i took him to the school (he's a transferee) and looked for his section. his new school was quite big-- enormous really. we both school supplies after that and later at home, i covered each notebook with the 'color coding' assigned to them-- yellow for assignment, red for quizzes, etcetera etcetera.


i had to wait from 12noon to 5pm outside their classroom. man! i was bored to death. hahah. i bought a broadsheet and finished everything in an hour. i chatted with the other mommies out there but ended up listening to them bragging about their kids. hahah. 


every now and then, a little kid would appear in front of me curious about my phone.


a long line of 1st graders stopped near me with their teacher in front. they were having a little tour of the school...


Teacher: claaaaasss! listen. this is the Principal's Office. what is this?
Class: Priiiincipal's ooooooooooffice!
Teacher: Very good! where is the Principal's offiiiiice???
Class: Theeeeeeeere!
Teacher: Tudlo! (point it)
Class: Theeeeeeeeeeeeere! (pointing at the Principal's Office)


heheheh.


waiting made me remember my primary school years... they were quite memorable. i made a lot of good friends. i studied hard. i slowly had my own understanding of the world. and i was loved.

annoyed.

he is sooooo unbelievable! i was sleeping soundly when i woke up to the ringing of my phone. good thing the ringtone i assigned to him was that of birds chirping.. nevertheless, it was three (3) in the morning and he called! what the hell, i thought.

i must admit i am flattered by his attention, but i was also annoyed. hahah. 3am is a very unholy hour to call!

Tatlong taon na ang nakararaan ng ito ay isulat ko.

An Attempt to Talk.

December 10, 2006 

by MSLD

Malaki ang pagkakaiba ng pagiging babae at pagiging indibidwal.

Girls kasi, have this need to be beautiful in the eyes of others di lang sa mga lalake kundi pati na rin sa mata ng kapwa babae. I read somewhere that

…A man has value just because he is man.

A woman has to constantly prove her worth by ‘keeping herself up’…

Totoo naman di bah? Pag babae, dapat maganda. Dapat maayos tingnan lagi. Pag may kapinatasan—OUT. Pag perpekto—IN. Pag walang curves—NEVERMIND. Kaya maraming babae ang insecure dahil sa mga ganito kababaw na pananaw ng society. But to be an individual, you only have to satisfy yourself. Pangit ka mang tingnan, kung kumportable ka naman, kiber? wala kang pake. You don’t give a damn thing kung baduy ka sa paningin ng mga mapanghusgang mata ng tao. Who cares? Ang mahalaga sa’yo, na-express at na-satisfy mo ang pinakamahalagang indibidwal sa buhay mo—yourself.

If I were to choose? I’d rather be an individual. Not feminine. Pero aminado ako na kahit ano’ng gawin ko, nilikha ako at ipinanganak na babae. At guilty ako sa mga kababawang ito. I have the need to be beautiful, to love, and to be loved. Maging ako, uhaw din sa atensyon at paghanga mula sa kabilang gender at sa kapwa ko babae. Ganunpaman, I never cease to battle against these needs. Ang mga pangangailangan kasing ito ay nagsisilbing weak point ko—kahinaan. Imbes na magpakatotoo, naka-preso ako sa consciousness… sa vanity…  sa bumubulusok na self- esteem… at insecurity.

Conscious ako. Sobra.

Vain ako? hindi masyado. Pero me pagka.

Insecure? Pwede. Pwede ring hindi.

Patunay na hindi pa ako ganap na individual. Nabubuhay pa rin ako sa dikta ng society.

Pero isn’t true na challenge ito na dapat lang harapin?

Gusto kong matutunang makuntento sa kung anumang meron ako dahil naniniwala akong ganon ang isang tunay na individual.

Gusto kong matutong lumaban at manindigan dahil alam kong ganon ang isang tunay na individual. Naalala ko tuloy ‘yong nabasa ko sa librong Beauty Secrets ni Wendy Chapkis,

…only then can we be encouraged to give bold expression to our fantasies, and find the daring to do the unusual rather than falling back on the safely ‘appropriate’…

I am not aiming to learn how not to love. Nor am I dreaming to feel unloved dahil hindi ganon ang isang tunay na individual.

I want to learn, however, to accept that I may not be loved by those people I want to love me and still be happy despite that fact.

Hindi nga ba’t ganon ang isang tunay na individual? Masaya may kasama man o mag-isa. Tanggapin man o hindi. May magmahal man o wala.