"eSpasyo ni Mia."

YESTERDAY.

2010-06-18T21:48:00.000+08:00

i was busy yesterday making sure lil bro's first day in school goes well. i took him to the school (he's a transferee) and looked for his section. his new school was quite big-- enormous really. we both school supplies after that and later at home, i covered each notebook with the 'color coding' assigned to them-- yellow for assignment, red for quizzes, etcetera etcetera.

i had to wait from 12noon to 5pm outside their classroom. man! i was bored to death. hahah. i bought a broadsheet and finished everything in an hour. i chatted with the other mommies out there but ended up listening to them bragging about their kids. hahah.

every now and then, a little kid would appear in front of me curious about my phone.

a long line of 1st graders stopped near me with their teacher in front. they were having a little tour of the school...

Teacher: claaaaasss! listen. this is the Principal's Office. what is this?
Class: Priiiincipal's ooooooooooffice!
Teacher: Very good! where is the Principal's offiiiiice???
Class: Theeeeeeeere!
Teacher: Tudlo! (point it)
Class: Theeeeeeeeeeeeere! (pointing at the Principal's Office)

heheheh.

waiting made me remember my primary school years... they were quite memorable. i made a lot of good friends. i studied hard. i slowly had my own understanding of the world. and i was loved.

annoyed.

2010-06-09T04:35:00.000+08:00

he is sooooo unbelievable! i was sleeping soundly when i woke up to the ringing of my phone. good thing the ringtone i assigned to him was that of birds chirping.. nevertheless, it was three (3) in the morning and he called! what the hell, i thought.

i must admit i am flattered by his attention, but i was also annoyed. hahah. 3am is a very unholy hour to call!

Tatlong taon na ang nakararaan ng ito ay isulat ko.

2009-09-05T08:09:00.007+08:00

An Attempt to Talk.

December 10, 2006

by MSLD

Malaki ang pagkakaiba ng pagiging babae at pagiging indibidwal.

Girls kasi, have this need to be beautiful in the eyes of others di lang sa mga lalake kundi pati na rin sa mata ng kapwa babae. I read somewhere that

…A man has value just because he is man.
A woman has to constantly prove her worth by ‘keeping herself up’…
Totoo naman di bah? Pag babae, dapat maganda. Dapat maayos tingnan lagi. Pag may kapinatasan—OUT. Pag perpekto—IN. Pag walang curves—NEVERMIND. Kaya maraming babae ang insecure dahil sa mga ganito kababaw na pananaw ng society. But to be an individual, you only have to satisfy yourself. Pangit ka mang tingnan, kung kumportable ka naman, kiber? wala kang pake. You don’t give a damn thing kung baduy ka sa paningin ng mga mapanghusgang mata ng tao. Who cares? Ang mahalaga sa’yo, na-express at na-satisfy mo ang pinakamahalagang indibidwal sa buhay mo—yourself.
If I were to choose? I’d rather be an individual. Not feminine. Pero aminado ako na kahit ano’ng gawin ko, nilikha ako at ipinanganak na babae. At guilty ako sa mga kababawang ito. I have the need to be beautiful, to love, and to be loved. Maging ako, uhaw din sa atensyon at paghanga mula sa kabilang gender at sa kapwa ko babae. Ganunpaman, I never cease to battle against these needs. Ang mga pangangailangan kasing ito ay nagsisilbing weak point ko—kahinaan. Imbes na magpakatotoo, naka-preso ako sa consciousness… sa vanity… sa bumubulusok na self- esteem… at insecurity.
Conscious ako. Sobra.
Vain ako? hindi masyado. Pero me pagka.
Insecure? Pwede. Pwede ring hindi.
Patunay na hindi pa ako ganap na individual. Nabubuhay pa rin ako sa dikta ng society.
Pero isn’t true na challenge ito na dapat lang harapin?
Gusto kong matutunang makuntento sa kung anumang meron ako dahil naniniwala akong ganon ang isang tunay na individual.
Gusto kong matutong lumaban at manindigan dahil alam kong ganon ang isang tunay na individual. Naalala ko tuloy ‘yong nabasa ko sa librong Beauty Secrets ni Wendy Chapkis,
…only then can we be encouraged to give bold expression to our fantasies, and find the daring to do the unusual rather than falling back on the safely ‘appropriate’…
I am not aiming to learn how not to love. Nor am I dreaming to feel unloved dahil hindi ganon ang isang tunay na individual.
I want to learn, however, to accept that I may not be loved by those people I want to love me and still be happy despite that fact.
Hindi nga ba’t ganon ang isang tunay na individual? Masaya may kasama man o mag-isa. Tanggapin man o hindi. May magmahal man o wala.

mula sa About Me section ng aking friendster.

2009-09-05T08:02:00.001+08:00

people usually see the total opposite of how i want them to see me...

some thinks i'm funny. I AM... then again i'm not. i definitely am serious.

i am a fighter, they say... "the bRave one". I AM. then again i'm not. for as one song says, "the warrior is a chiLd".

i am a frolicsome biRd. i fLy... and i always will. and thus, like a biRd, i am free-spirited...

i was never bouNd to ruLes. i am not mS. perfect nor am i mS. beHaved.

i was never into competition... but life seems to be fond of throwing me into an "i-am-better-than-the-others" kind of world.

i want everything to be simple.
no complications. no biggies. no worries.

but it doesn't go that way.

so i usually get tired of things and of people.

just wanna have some time alone.
but a little laughs with friends won't hurt.

i Love... as well as haTe.

and i am no extraodinary beauty.
you can just pass by me without throwing second looks.

you can love me, you can hate me. you can judge me, say everythin' about me... still, i will be the same "ME"... untouchable.

you can huRT me... you can make me cRy a riVer... but baby ONLY IF I LET YOU DO SO.

Significant Other.

2009-09-05T04:18:00.000+08:00

he's always been there for her.
he never let go of her hand no matter how tough things were.
whatever situation she's in, he's always there to support her.
and even when supporting her meant seeing her in another man's arms, he still gave way just to see her happy.
that's how much he loved her.

then she came back heartbroken.
still, he accepted her with arms wide open telling her, "come back home..."

Sumbongerang balat-sibuyas.

2009-09-04T22:12:00.000+08:00

kakatapos lang ng Persons namin. kakarating ko lang sa bahay.
kaasar. buraot. kabanas.

baket?

sabi ni mam kanina isa lang daw sa amin ang malamang pumasa. and she implied na that classmate was the only one reading.

i've got nothing against top2 huh? totoong may iba sa'min na hindi masyadong nagbabasa. but with all due respect, i personally know na may iba din naman na nagbabasa [isa na'ko don] at nag-aaral at may karapatang pumasa. that classmate deserves to be praised for his critical thinking but not because sya lang nagsusunog ng kandila.

ang totoo nyan, isa 'tong kaklase kong 'to sa mga kinaiinggitan ko for his analytical mind and i do not have anything agains him. talaga lang mejo balat-sibuyas ako sa remark na yun kanina ng teacher namin.

ayan tuloy, lumalabas pagka-sumbongera koh. hmfp.

*************

inaamin ko namang i've been somewhat remiss this past few days. siguro nga wala akong karapatan maghinanakit. pero pa'no naman yung past performances?? yung overall? hindi man ako ang pinakamagaling sa klase, at least naman papasa ako. i do not believe otherwise. i do read my books. and i do try to understand.

pero masaklap mang isipin, wala naman na siguro akong magagawa kung bopol ako pagdating sa paghahanap ng butas sa mga binabasa koh. ako kase yung tipo ng tao na hindi masyadong mapag-suspetsa at hindi reklamador. in other words, isinilang lang talaga akong utu-uto.

gayunpaman, i strongly believe, no-- extremely-absolutely, believe na kung effort at dedication ang pag-uusapan ay papasa ako.

*************

mejo OA nga siguro 'tong reaction koh. pero talgang hurt ako. hurt na hurt. at naging matagumpay ang araw na ito sa pag-discourage sa akin.

random thoughts lang bago mamaalam ngayong gabi.

2009-09-03T22:51:00.000+08:00

um-absent ako sa first class ko. gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, blogging lang ang inatupag ko at internetlandia buong araw.

******

pagdating ko naman sa Consti, naunahan ako ni Judge. for the first time, mas maaga sya sa akin. anyway, naisip ko lang hah? ang swerte nung ibang law stud na nag-aaral sa UP o kaya sa ateneo o kaya sa Beda. pano naman noh? they get to meet formidable figures in the Legal profession such as Father Bernas. hay... yun mismong mga author ng reference books in any Law School, sila mismo nakakadaupang-palad nila everyday.

pero in fairness, kuntento naman ako kay Judge at sa tinagurian naming Father of Criminal Law malamang sa buong Northern Mindanao, at syempre pah, what more can i ask kung mismong first muslim woman to place second in the Bar Exams eh teacher mismo namin. napaka-inggrata ko naman ata kung maghahangad pa'ko.

siguro ang talagang dapat kung kainggitan sa mga taga-dekalibreng Laws Schools is yung support na natatanggap nila from their schools both financial and academic. hanep yung mga BarOps. de kalidad yung mga reviewers...

sa ngayon nothing to worry pa naman. i'm just in my freshman year. sa totoo lang, nangangapa pa ako. i need not worry about review things pah.

******

i promise. after Law School and hurdling the Bar, i'm gonna study culinary Arts!

******

uhm. what else? facebook is boring.

******

i do covet other bloggers layout/template/theme/ whatever! but i admire them too. wsh i'd be like them. sabagay, ngayon ko lang parang sineryoso yung blogging kaya siguro parang i'm new to this whole thingie.

******

i feel bLessed. therefore i AM indeed bLessed. ganito pala yung feeling ng everything is between me and my God.

******

uhm, i think that's it! till next entry, my dear blog!

bagong bihis ang aking bLoggadagz!

2009-09-03T17:25:00.000+08:00

whoa! ang saya. may pasok ako in a couple of hours. may nakamamatay na oral recitation. at pasahan na rin ng case digests. pero ang magaling na ako, ano gawa ko???

eh di nag-edit ng blog layout! hahah. sige lang. masaya naman. basta from now on, magsusulat na talaga 'ko. i'm gonna write whatever's in my mind. stress reliever daw 'tong blogging eh. masubukan nga.

hanga talaga ako sa mga bloggers gaya ng mga sinusundan kong blog. galing talaga! saludo ako. kung tutuusin mga hamak na bata ang karamihan. i think naglalaro lang sa bente hanggang late twentie's yung mga makabagong blogger. mala-Bob Ong na style sa pagsulat. Direct to the point. Tagalog. English. Taglish. o ibang vernacular. Nice. Ramdam na ramdam ko yung pagiging totoo nila sa sarili nila whatever other people may think about them-- bagay na walang-wala ako. pero hindi pa naman huli ang lahat, hindi bah?

sa totoo lang hindi ako makasulat ng matino kase lage akong nami-mental block. sa isp ko dapat kahang-hangang obra ang maisulat koh. ayan tuloy. may limang taon na akong nagsimula mag-blog pero hindi pa rin regular updates ko dito at sa mga ancient bloggadagz koh.

i forgot. hindi naman 'to writer's workshop. hindi literary contest. at lalong malayong nobel prize for literature. hahah.

kaya simula ngayon, ISINUSUMPA KOH! magsusulat na talaga ako. maski anong estado ng utak o mood meron ako.

napakasaya ko! bwahahahhah....

what a wonderful WORLDwideweb!

2009-08-31T18:50:00.000+08:00

galing talaga ng internet. maski ano just a click away na lang. you want to learn how too cook, i-youtube mo! you wanna know the meaning of a word? i-google mo lang! you miss your friends? social networks like facebook or friendster lang ang kasagutan dyan... at kung litung-lito ka na sa buhay, kahit mga korning tanong gaya ng "what is the meaning o life?" or "why am i here?" eh may makikita ka ring kasagutan.

yun nga lang, may mga hassle din. dami ngang sagot pero ang ultimong tanong, reliable ba ang infos? yun! one has to know how to discriminate between ideas that have some real truth in it and ideas that are all just crap.

i don't think i'm the first one to say this... nor am i the first person to admit this. pero kase, madalas tayo makalimot. kase nature na natin as human beings yung pagiging negligent sa maliliit na detalye. saka lang natin mari-realize yung kapabayaan natin when it's too late.

strengthening my faith.

2009-08-30T22:33:00.000+08:00

i am amazed but scared. happy but a bit worried. but why? one might ask. if truth be told, i'm not really sure. it's just that my "transition" is getting speedier by minute. you know what i'm saying?

it's all about following the Straight Path".

finally, i am trying to take little baby steps towards following His Way. starting from praying the Sala'at, purifying my thoughts, reading the Qur'an, memorizing all over again, and... the most difficult to hurdle-- wearing my HIJAB properly.

i dunno. it isn't supposed to be this hard considering the fact that iwas born and raised in a muslim household. pero mahirap talaga for me-- especially because i have always been vocal before about women not wearing their veil but at the same time, niri-respeto pa rin. i used to say i don't really care about what people think of me. that being myself is the ultimate rule i have to follow. now, i actually regret ever saying those words. May God forgive me on that...

ang sarap ng pakiramdam ng alam mong you are trying to please Him. on the contrary, mahirap din yung feeling na paglabas mo ng bahay, and people who knows you ask you-- "anong nakain moh?" or "parang tunay ah!" or "may sakit ka ba?". really, it's difficult. but inshaAllah, nalalagpasan ko naman and unlike the ME before, i don't think about it too much nah.

so what if some people think i'm weird?

so what if some are just counting the days till i get tired and finally give in to the devil?

i have my God with me...

and He's gonna help me...

and He's gonna guide me...

indeed, the spirit is strong but the flesh is really weak-- especially mine.

but with Him, inshaAllah i shall not go astray.

indeed, ignorance is in a way excusable. but when you already have the knowledge and still you refuse to follow? that is arrogance. i was born a muslim. i studied in madrasah. i was taught what i should do as a Muslim. what's keeping me from following His Way?

2009-08-25T16:53:00.000+08:00

two hours before class time. i just surrendered digesting 16 consti cases. hindi na kaya eh. heheh. as usual, successful na naman ang worldwideweb in distracting me. i found precious law stud blogs which i now follow! talk about stalker...

it's good to know hindi ako nag-iisa in my predicaments. but i really envy those who go to Law schools we usually dub as "de-kalibre" such as UP, ADMU, Beda, etc. just this recent bar exams, one of our seniors who is now my teacher in Persons made it to the top two in the bar exams. man... what glory! but then, parang far-fetched na na masundan pa 'to. i badly want to... i dream of it... i do aspire... kahit within top50 super-okey na yun. hmmm... yeah, i know. before that, i'm gonna go through Mt. Olympus (Law School).

hard-work.

2009-08-21T08:17:00.000+08:00

prior to this post, i wrote [in my other blog] about my own musing about the “big” world. who would have thought i’d be back in iligan not long after that?! well, perhaps people had expected i’d be back soon. that i can’t hang on to my decision.

yun na nga ata ang nangyari. well, what can i say? corny talaga ang adult world. making decisions and choices is not really easy. sabi pa ni Star sa comment nya kay jade, “lisod mag-decide kung naa na’y buot… coz you know there’ll be consequences.”

now, i’m doing exactly what i used to despise. a life full of routine. no spontaneity. bawat kilos de-numero. not seizing the day. living like a robot. cold-hearted. empty. LAW SCHOOL.

but i’ve always believed in having choices. and i chose to follow this path. i chose to abandon those carefree days when i used to just chill out with friends after work. when work means work. when salary means a scant salary but a very jolly holiday with weekend strolling around the mall. when a friend means a friend. money just money. and a smile just a simple smile. when love was so sweet and no prying eyes stare at me. NO BIGGIES AT ALL.

hmmm… here goes this feeling of nostalgia again.

people nowadays are so complicated. friendship wasn’t how it used to be. everyone seems too demanding. people doesn’t act true to one’s face. it’s like they always put on painted smiles even if it’s contrary to what they feel… they want to share heartaches but they don’t fearing na baka makornihan ka. you can’t even give a gift without reason. you always have to explain yourself. before, friendship was as easy as tossing cornicks in the air and catching it with one’s mouth. pero ngayon? it’s like you’ve gotta work hard for it. work really, really hard.

hmmm… what’s up with Law School and the adult world??

i think i’m becoming more and more of a monster.

same stupid issue.

2009-08-18T22:10:00.000+08:00

i didn't attend class today. i'm not sick. but i feel i am. pakiramdam ko, i'm being forced into doing something i do not want to do.

same issue. same stupid issue.

the thing is, gusto ko naman talaga yung ginagawa ko. wala lang talaga akong pasensya sa paulit-ulit na activity everyday, every hour, every minute. but that IS Law School, isn't it? bakit ko pa'to pinasok kung di naman kayang panindigan?

i keep thinking of that too. daming excuses. daming strategy.

i always try to look for inspiration through browsing the worldwideweb about a nice poem or quote man lang to motivate me. i've been arranging and rearranging my small space just to set my mood and start anew everytime i get a very low energy.

but now, as i write this, i realized, sino'ng niloloko ko?? inspiration is not external. it must come from within... it's just that i feel something is lacking... something doesn't feel right. may missing link na hindi ko man lang maisip kung ano.

DESPERADO.

2009-07-31T21:45:00.000+08:00

just arrived from class... two months pa lang since i entered Law School. it is hard just as i expected. mas mahirap pa nga ata eh. ang daming kailangan basahin. and , you don't just read something... sabi nga, you have to peruse every provision, every single case, every doctrine of Law. most of the time kaya ko naman. but i think i'm more of balancing in a very fine wire... it's as if any moment, i might fall.

my best friend says i should take it easy... i agree. and yet i could not just take it easy. and why won't he say that? it's obvious how i'm taking up the challenge of Law School-- i never stop "till i drop".

and what's frustrating is that parang hindi ko magawa ng tama yung dapat gawin.

i prepare for an oral recitation. i read the coverage ONCE. i read it a SECOND time. then a THIRD. then take notes. memorize. research facts which are not in the book. memorize ulit. prepare possible questions. practice answering them. practically, I LIVE LIKE A ROBOT.

tapos ano? when asked a question, i couldn't even answer everything right. fine. i'd be able to answer majority of them. but mere answering is NOT WHAT I WANT. i want to answer like a real Law Student. the truth is... i'm uber-frustrated with my performance. who needs a mediocre performance? i do not aim to just survive. i want to succeed... i BADLY want to.

sometimes i think napaka-ambisyosa ko. but i was never like this before. ang daming opportunities for real intellectual growth ang pinalagpas ko noon only becos of a stupid fear of being judged... i am trying to get past that fear. pero pabalik-balik s'ya. when i have to recite, i am prepared. pero ang gulo ng utak ko. walang focus. i usually think i'm not worthy of being questioned. that i'm not doing it right. that i speak like a layman... i've never felt this idiot before.

the "top2" just shared her success story to us. i realized how much we have in common pagdating sa techniques. pero kung personality at experiences din lang ang pagbabasehan, we are poles apart. and so i wonder, may karapatan ba ako to dream high just as she did?

i shall do my best. in the future, makikita ko din kung sa'n ako dadalhin ng efforts ko...

QUEEN OF PROCRASTINATION.

2009-07-17T11:03:00.001+08:00

i've gotta study. read read and read. argh! to heck with nonstop reading! man... i feel sick just at the sight of my Law Books.

uh-oh! here goes the Queen of Procrastination again... what am i supposed to do? 'gotta memorize! i can't seem to answer any questions if i didn't memorize...

i feel like a freakin'parrot!

article blah blah blah...

provisions of this chukchakchenes...

how can i get my freaking brain to start absorbing?!
why can't i see logic? why can't i answer like a law student?

damn!

argh! frustration seethes in my veins again.

fine. i'll study. i am aiming way too high and i can't hit the bullseye if i don't keep tryin'.

read, read, read...

this got me inspired to the core...

2009-07-16T14:58:00.000+08:00

Kaleidoscope World.

2009-07-16T13:52:00.000+08:00

...some are rich because of fate...

...some are poor with no food on their plate...

"...Every color and every hue

Is represented by me and you

Take a slide in the slope

Take a look in the kaleidoscope

Spinnin' round, make it twirl

In this kaleidoscope world..."

~Kaleidoscope~

by Master Rapper Francis M.

my first entry.

2009-07-16T12:54:00.000+08:00

i still have to study and read for my "Consti" class and "Persons". instead, i'm in front of my pc edtiting the layout of my newest space in the worldwideweb... hahah. nice way ahead.